TWC Tours - Stigs Last Stand !

Having said farewell for a week to Lindsey, who left for Vancouver ahead of me, I promptly and madly spent my final week dashing around the UK trying to catch up with everyone before I too would head over the pond again courtesy of Fly Zoom and their cheap battle bus airplanes.

First of all of course I had to grab one last pint of decent beer in the form of a Thwaites 'Lancaster Bomber' and to get my last Lancashire and family fix in for what may be a wee while.



With glorious weather following me north, Mom and I jumped on the bikes and headed down the cycle track to Brookhouse, just to make sure Dad got some fresh flowers and his traditional face wash.

Although life is so very good in Canada there is never not a part of me that just wants to hole up in Lancashire and enjoy the friendly northern way of life in this parts whenever I am here.


Oh well........ can't have everything I suppose.

Moving from the 'Black Bull' to the 'Ship' and then to the 'Greyhound' I am surprised Mom and I made it in one piece......... all I can say is that my mother is a better drunken cycler than my sister, who has a tendency to giggle and hiccup her way into the nearest bushes when on two wheels !

Routing through Ormskirk and a cuppa with Nanna in her fabulous new pad (top garden to lay on in the summer) I trained the journey to London one last time for a final beery night with the old Roundhouse Tolent mob !

Striding through the doors for a cheeky visit who do I see but non other than Roger our mechanical engineer - still trying to clear snagging lists ! Ha ha aha ha !! Most of which were mine in fairness to the fella ! oooops !

Joining Stanley, John and Declan for a few jars (well a gallon or two) was just like old times ! John is still a cheeky chappy who can never remember how to get home after 10pm (despite having done so for oodles of years) and Stan is still my saviour ensuring I get woken up before my stop at Fleet and don't end up dribbling on a chair in Southampton !!


Top night boys...... really enjoyed it !!



Oh well......... I suppose I best go back to Canada with my new visa then !!!!!


Doogie........ any chance of a first class upgrade again ???????

TWC Tours - The Shandy Drinking South

Realising that the glorious glutinous excesses of home cooking fayre was doing nothing for my waistline, I prized the Viking away from the relaxed atmosphere of Glendale and Lancashire once more and broke out south where to continue our tour of friends, family and more importantly random pubs !!

Thank you very much mum and John for providing such a fabulous stay in the old homestead and welcoming in the Viking so warmly !

Not wanting to drive the entire way south in one go (as my passenger had a natural ability to be asleep within seconds of any road trip journey starting) we initially stopped at Stratford upon Avon – home and birthplace to the legendary Shakespeare !

Personally I hated doing his stuff at school and found a much better use for five pounds in the Garrick pub, that goes by the name of Old Spekled Hen, than by paying to walk through some knackered out old house that was rammed full of teenage Italian tourists !

On we went then through Oxfordshire and on to Miggy’s house (stooping once more at their old local when living in Compton many years ago – the Crown and Horns) Oooooh – more Speckled Hen !

Using Miggy’s place as a base once again, our first day trip down south was Salisbury Cathedral.

Why there ? Well as per the usual north american Johnny Foreigner on tour demand …….. somebody wanted to see Stonehenge !!

For Gods sake why on earth would you want to do that……… being the standard response of any one who ever grew up in England !

It’s a pile of rubble in a field………. Mobbed by a million yanks and yet more teenage Italian school children taking no interest in what’s in front of them, whose only interest in being on tour is to spend all their parents money flirting with each other in ever more annoying ways !!

So having driven past on the A303 (ok I did slow down a bit to let the Viking take a picture through the fence) we arrived for a much more rewarding mooch of Salisbury and it’s Cathedral. We even managed to see one of only four remaining Magna Carta’s left in existence.

To look at something that was written in 1215 and is the basis upon which English law has developed, becoming one of the most important legal documents in the history of democracy, is quite odd really. Especially when it's only guard is an 80 year old women armed with a pair of knitting needles !

Neither of us having ever been to Salisbury before, we decided upon leaving that you could do worse than live there with its compact size and picturesque nature !

Next day, moving our time focus to Trafalgar and 1805 (21st October to be precise) we visited the good old sea swabby (and fighters) town of Portsmouth !

Definitely one of the best things to see in the south (especially after having watched Master and Commander) is HMS Victory !

Again standing on the very ship that led the routing of the combined Spanish/French line of 33 ships was quite surreal.

Our good old pal Henry VIII, who has provided a suitable theme to this tour, even made an appearance after we saw what was left of his flag ship – the Mary Rose.

Of course any trip to the England would not be the right for a History of Art major from the backwaters of Vancouver without taking in the National Gallery !

Thankfully needing to go and collect my new visa from the embassy I was spared the full day version of staring at odd (old) pictures with babies peeing in fountains and doves crapping from above ???? which the Viking had studied for several years at the University of British Columbia.

I do apologise really but ……. Hmmmmn !!! Sorry, I can’t say half the stuff in there does anything for me ???? What an ignorant git I hear you say…….. I tend to agree as it goes !! What I can say for the stuff on show however is it works up a fair thirst !!!!

Meeting Twiddy, Becs, Ricki, Jason and Nicole straight after in Covent Garden, we of course pushed our limits of drinking time in the Porterhouse and managed to miss the last connection to Bramley, having staggered through the tubes and Waterloo station !

Grand then that our taxi driver from Basingstoke thought he was Stirling Moss and proceeded to throw us around the back seat of our black cab bombing through the pitch black back lanes of Hampshire !!

All part of the London commuters impromptu night out I suppose !!!

Wanting to show the Viking where I used to live and further taking up the very gracious offer of hospitality from Ian and Clare, Friday saw us meander down to Brighton and Hove.

Unfortunately however the sun did not follow and what can be a glorious place with tons of atmosphere on a sunny day ended up looking more like a fair that has closed for the winter.

Great company beats location any time however and a wonderful weekend of good food and banter wound down the Vikings last days in England before her return to Canada.

Thanks very much guys and Ian……. Top breaky ! Liking the bucks fizz touch ! We may need some more of that in Whistler next year !!

So that was that for the Viking ! Two and a half weeks of lardy food, warm flat beer, great company, glorious antiquated scenery, traffic jambs and sarcastic people !!

I hope you enjoyed it and many many many thanks again to all who put us up over the weeks and showed such grand British hospitality !!

We hope to be able to return the favour one day for you in Vancouver whenever you can make it !

TWC Tours - Edinburgh !

What is wrong with this picture ?

Yup ! In one !!

It's only bloody sunny in Scotland !

That never happens !

We best go indoors then and have a fried mars bar and a pint of 80 shilling !

Jumping on board one of Mr Bransons flying Virgin bendy leany trains and suitably armed with some glorious roast beef butties from yesterday's left over roast, off we raced to Edinburgh for the day where to be cheesy Canadian tourists yet again !

Being sober for the very first time in my life in Scotlands capital and not staggering around with a host of other blootered rugby shirt toting idiots at four in the morning trying to find a taxi not full already of smashed revellers, I had chance and time to realise how stunning a place Edinburgh really is.

It was odd arriving though at Waverley without Gazza piping us in as had been the traditional the last two times I went.

Riding the cheesy open top double decker bus you will see just how happy the Viking was as we rode past in turn the Castle, Hollyrood Palace, The Scottish Parliament, Princes St, Jenners, etc etc listening to the odd meanderings of what sounded like Jimmy Kranky to me.

Having had to endure the Scottish National Museum for an hour (this is what happens when you take a History of Art graduate on tour) and despite my protestations that the jocks have no worthwhile form of art other than Whiskey, which was on display elsewhere in the city, off we tootled to view the castle !

Now we are talking ! All very interesting stuff, even if as an Englishman you wonder how we still exist given all the talk about how we have been smashed by the locals on a thousand different occasions in various battles over the centuries ?????

Being just a day visit on our cheap tickets we couldn't manage to meet up with Paula in Glasgee en route home but did manage to stop in a fine watering hole with Gordon for a quick pint after work !

Work - oh yeah whats that again........ I could get used to this perma holiday thing !!!

I wonder what Mom has on for tea then ????

TWC Tours - Yorkshire !

Aye up !

There's nowt simple like folk.......

Welcome to the wonderful world of rainy Yorkshire !

Heading out nice and early (yeah right oh) up the Lune valley past Hornby, Bentham and Wray before turning right and passing Skipton our destination today was the world heritage site of Fountains Abbey.

Being Britains largest monastic ruin founded in 1132 by 13 Benedictine Monks, the history of this site would be dramatically changed by a certain Henry VIII, who seems to be making regular appearances within the theme of this tour to date !

Following the dissolution of all monastaries in 1539 the roof of this fine structure was removed and the inevitable dereliction commenced.

Following a grand old fella of a tour guide (in his compulsory flat cap) I for one was learning all sorts of new stuff.

The Viking, having earned a degree in the History of Art (amongst many other things) was more than capable of adding all sorts of other snippets and fascinating facts much to my shame.

Its amazing what a North Shore Viking can teach a simple nothern 'Bob the Builder' in the history of his own country !

Moving on to York and its Minster we saw what could have been had Henry VIII not got stuck into his one man mission to alter the course of history. Built between the 12th and 15th century the Minster is the largest gothic church in England.

Whilst the Viking was delighted to see first hand such historic structures, I had my moment of cultural satisfaction as I found a butcher who specialised in fresh daily pork pies !

Cor........ and were they good ! Jelly and all !! Special !!!!

Whilst the Viking turned her eyes away at this savoury speciality in disgust, I did get her interested at least in bags of 'rhubarb and custard' aquired at a sweet shop in the 'Shambles' of York.

It would have been rude too not to stop at a one of my old haunt pubs en route home for a pint of bitter ! Our venue today being the Ship at Caton.

TWC Tours - Cumbria !

Having been escorted around several wonderful mountain trails by the Viking in her natural habitat of North Vancouver, I thought it would be a grand idea to try and work off some of the lard accumulated through Mum's glorious fry ups to date by doing some hiking of our own in the Lake District.

Now granted our choice of Ulswater at a whopping 4 miles long would not even register as a puddle in Canada but as they say ....... size isn't everything !

Never having been there before, the first world heritage site visit on this special tour was made to the ancient stone circle of Castlerigg. Sitting just outside Keswick and near Ulswater it made a stunning morning as the sun shone in between perfect Lake District clouds casting shadows over the high fells.


Being the ignoramous I am about such historical and cultural sites I found it welcoming to learn that much like Stonehenge not much is really known about this place. Well not much more than the nothing I knew anyway.


Very pretty indeed though.

Finding the high fell to be in the midst of lambing season, several of the little fluffy fellas were within arms reach at all times as we wandered the bridleway around the lake and had the Viking striding around in all directions trying to sneak up on one.


Although your average 18 inch tall lamb is much less scary in the wild than a brown bear, I was still concerned that 'Farmer Palmer' and his shot gun would not have been happy should the Viking have got a hold of one of these little dudes and started poking and squeezing it ! Hence I had to keep reigning her in and keeping her on the paths only.

Sitting on a crag overlooking the lake time ran out on our day and we headed home for a glorious beef stew with suet dumplings that mum had been cooking all day ! mmmmmm more lard !!!!

This of course only after having stopped in the Black Bull at Brookhouse on the way home for a welcome pint of Thwaites !

Next stop Yorkshire where I'm sure lambs will be replaced with whippets, pigeons and ferrets as the local fauna !

TWC Tours - Lancashire !

Having not told mum thus far that I was in the country and finding it ever harder to keep up the pretence that I was still in Vancouver, Miggy and I thought it best I head north to glorious Lancashire without further delay and difficulty in maintaining our roose !

Poor John had been enlisted some days before hand and was performing a stirling job in manipulating mums movements toward a surprise reunion over a pint in our local (The Greyhound where I worked for many years) despite her protestations that this week would be a perfect one to get away to Spain !!!

Oblivious to last, if not somewhat annoyed at her perceived manhandling by John, Mother Dear duly wandered through the doors of the pub to see not the usual array of Halton on Lune alco’s but yours truly and the Viking !



To say her face was a picture is an understatement ! Not knowing whether I was about to get a hug or a smack as she muttered my full name (a childhood marker that normally preceded a whack) in surprise I was gladly and happily wrapped up in a fabulous smile and hug !
Thanks all round to John for such cunning and patience in doing the dirty work manoeuvring mum for so long !

Basing ourselves at Glendale (home) for the next week or so our plan was undertake various missions to view the huge list of heritage sites the Viking had amassed on her list pre departure !


First things first though...... several pints in the pub of proper cask conditioned ale ! To say that Mum and John looked after us well would be the understatement of the century ! A greater array of morning fry ups, evening feasts and packed lunches I fear I will not see again unless camping at Glendale.

Our initial Lancashire mission could only truly begin with a tour of my home town castle and city, where we delighted in hearing how the fastest hanging court in England only stopped their butchery once they had run out of non consecrated ground with which to bury their dead in !


Ironically just as Lancaster ran out of ground to bury their dead convicted at the biannual assizes, England hit upon the plan of just transporting them to a new found land of depravity otherwise known as Australia !

What other trip to Lancashire would be complete of course without a little sporting action given its amazing ability to out perform every other county in the land ! Off we went therefore to watch the ‘Saints’ of St Helens (Lancashire) thump the ‘Wildcats’ of Wakefield Trinity (Yorkshire) at Knowsley Road !

Being a cultural exchange trip I was more than happy to expose the Viking to ‘Thwaites Lancaster Bomber’ which is by far the best beer in England !


Oh it was nice to be in the land of the Red Rose again !

TWC Tours - Ascot Races !

At 5 am with the usual hangover arising from a session of ‘Old Speckled Hen’ and jet lag in full effect, I awoke in the guest room of chez Fonters to a bright sky and could not get back to sleep.
Determined to the last to keep up my fitness regime I promptly changed into shorts and runners and headed out to run three laps of Goddy high street.


Ok.... I know no one believes me on this point (especially lord and lady fonters themselves) but run I did that morning....... despite the attractions of various pork pie and pastry delivery vans that lined the high street whom made a very tempting target to one Lancastrian deprived of English lard snacks for one whole year !


Subsequently armed up and stuffed with a fat boy breaky that only the English could fry up, the Viking and I went to join Miggy and Owen for a days racing at Ascot no less !

Unfortunately a glorious summer day was not to accompany us !



Hence my Viking Canadian attaché resorted to her glamorous ‘Old Navy’ flip flops when presented with the standard six inch deep puddle at the turnstiles instead of her preferred black high heels that had accompanied the flowing summer attire sported thus far !

Now as I said in the preceding blog......... beware the editor !!!

Although we all looked and felt like drowned rats an extremely enjoyable day of gambling and quaffing subsequently ensued culminating in a very tense final race where my nag bumped and barged (some what illegally) past the Viking’s steed to take the win by a nose !

My joy was only slightly tempered by the fact that had the Viking’s donkey indeed not been barged and won, our winnings would have amounted to an extra £50 !

Oops !

A perfect days racing was concluded with a perfect drunken stagger home via Reading and a fine Chicken Jalfrezi, Peshwari Naan and Kingfisher please Landlord !

Oh yes and don't hold the popadoms !

TWC Tours - Hampton Court Palace !

You have to hand it then to the High Commission of Canada office in London ! Bureaucratic ineptness and tardiness of this standard I thought had been eradicated in the 70’s (British Rail aside).
Having applied in October 2004 for a Federal Skilled Worker Visa those good souls of the Canadian Embassy finally got around to advising me this week that my visa was now available for issue and collection !

Great stuff !

It only took them 32 months to process three forms ! Oh yeah and did I mention that it cost me neck end of $1500......... oh and by the way I am required to go to London and collect it at my own cost !


Oh well ........ we get there in the end I suppose and what great opportunity to mount an English summer cultural excursion of beer, pies, racing, rugby and history.

My partner in crime for this cultural odyssey would be non other than the current North Shore Canadian Cultural Attaché – Vicky the Viking !

Displaying a much greater understanding of international relations and history than her team Australia counterpart (Sir Les ‘A.D.D’ Patterson) a massive list of venues was accumulated on one itinerary and issued for my attention prior to departure.

The following tales are offered as loose script (as the writer has a tendency to be some what liberal with the truth) recording those adventures mounted.

Mission 1 would be the grand theft auto of one Peugeout 106 XSi from the grasp of clan Anderson and the shores of sunny Sussex by the sea. An act of sheer sponging on my part, not only did I deprive my old mate of transport for three weeks I further deposited one seriously infected laptop with him for intensive care treatment and revival.

Well if you are gonna wind your neck out you might as well be a right cheeky git I suppose !


Cheers Gazza – a gentleman as always to the last, I appreciate your efforts and help more than any Chinese take away, single malt and free car could ever repay ! Thanks fella.

Armed now with my old banger and a tank of petrol (not gas), off I raced to get my first decent English beer hit with Lord and Lady Fonters and check out their Godalming local – the Charter House Inn .

And what a fine pint of ‘Old Speckled Hen’ they serve too ! It’s good to see Frankie that you have succumbed to English living and spend many of your days now talking tosh to the various eccentrics that frequent your typical local pub !

Thanks ‘Me Lord and Lady Fonters’ for putting the Viking and I up so graciously upon our arrival – your new home is absolutely gorgeous and very homely ! Congratulations !

Having settled back into my old motor and en route to Mig and Owens for a day or two, The Viking and I took in an afternoon at Hampton Court Palace where giggles overcame one very annoying girlfriend in the bakery as all together too many ‘Simple Simon the Pieman’ jokes were cracked for my liking !

Be wary of upsetting the author is all I can say !

365 !

No – not the amount of minutes played since the Canucks last scored (thats more) but days that have passed since the Stig landed in Canada on May 8th 2006 to begin his new adventure !
Well, what a year this has been in the rocky winding rock strewn and cratered road that has been Stigs life !

I could chunter on with a thousand observations and anecdotes about what Vancouver has meant to me over the past year in a big red book moment - but let’s face it I will bore you senseless, if you are not even already !

All I really want to record is the cast of idiots and numpties encountered to date to which I owe a great deal of thanks for making life so much fun !

In order of appearance (you know who you are):
Microphonehead + Lady Rab

A.D.D
Gorgeous George
The Tangerine Dream + Tash
Beach Muscles + Lady Fiona
Manicured Rich + Nicola
Taffy Chris + Eva P-S
Jimbo + Hands Hannah

........ and of course last but not least - the Viking !

Here’s to ongoing fun in new lands ! Cheers !!PS – I need just pop home for a month to collect a new visa ! I really cant be arsed to work this summer !