Deportation Bash 1 - Covent Garden

After five years of penal servitude in the ranks of Her majesty's Contractor Tolent (herein known as HMC Tolent) who would have thought my illustrious career would have ended with deportation to the former British dominion of Canada !! More so who would have thought that after such heroic deeds as outlined below, the campaigns endured and the hardships suffered, there would be enough of my fellow foot soldiers left battling on to join me in my final salute to the soveriegn and stagger around Covent Garden !!!

Where to down gallons of flat and distateful beer before being robbed by a Chinese take away of £25 for a banquet that consisted of one dish of soggy (crispy) shredded beef in an unknown sauce that would later make a re-appearance in the toilets of a random Leicester Sq dance hall frequented by a hundred 50 cent look-a-likes (including our northern homey Jim 'the gout' Peddie)

Serving initially as general 'Floor Manger' lay about on the Peterborough Court campaign of 2001 I was demoted and transferred from HMC Tolent to the rank of 'Package manager' lay about and packed off to the 1st Regiment of Foot, Kings Own Royal Tynesiders ! Where my linguistic skills were tested to their extreme deciphering such verbal explosions such as Hooooooo Man !!! Aaaam ganin fo a draaaaaaan !! Howay ya kna..........is a broooooon troooot ! on the bloody Sage campaign of '03.

Serving with a fine band of men and women I eventually began to understand the language and grand banter whilst generally excelling at my speciality of........ laying about ! All be it whilst also very cold at the time !

Having queried one day with my immediate superior Nigel 'Ned' Kelly why all I met within the ranks had a patholigical need to follow a group punters in black and white striped shirts (who in turn were chasing a round puddin' about and also in fairness the shadows of the other punters in the field doing the same) I found my self demoted again with my DSC (dodgy southern chap) medal recinded.

Now serving as general skivvy and 'Design Manager' lay about at Southern Command Station Roundhouse, the house of luuurve saw a number of budding romances flower within the ranks mixing antipodean and English blood lines (is that not illegal)

Whilst engendering a sence of love within the rear echelon commercial platoon, the Roundhouse campaign saw the production platoon front line cannon fodder suffer a high rate of attrition with extreme casualty rates. One of only three surviving members of 'Pembroke team' Stig has left John, Stan and 'the gout' to raise the flag of victory and sup a pint in his honour !

So to my fellow rank and file that continue to serve the good ships Tolent I salute you and thank you for five years of fun ! You can see what you have done to me !! I used to be 12 stone you know........ and a tee totaller ! I had no idea what a pie was ! or a bottle of dog ! I had dress sense....... could pull the birds....... drove a nice car.........

In fact sod ya's !!! What have I done...........