Ducks, Canucks and Stars !

Around September last year Garry and I were invited by our learned and native peers to join what is a traditional winter past time for these parts and is known as a ‘Hockey Pool’

Basically the local version of our well known ‘Fantasy Football League’( as run by most national papers) the principal difference for hockey is that in keeping with the north american draft system of player selection for all sports, a list is issued and all present take turns picking the best player available from said list.

As there are so many teams and players out here the idea is that the best dude (some young spotty nerd like individual called Sid ‘the Kid’ Crosby at the moment) can only be picked by one pool member , and is then removed from the list, before the next pool participant chooses the next best player and so on down the list.

Not rocket science one assumes ! Well just wait until you sit in a room full of Canadians who start trash talking each other as players are selected. Questioning a Canadian bloke on his hockey knowledge and/or ability is like questioning whether his mum liked the postman, the milkman and the binman a little too much when he was a kid !! Adam (our resident Canadian buddy) has even demanded we watch some old timers on DVD from the seventies ponce around on their skates chasing each other for a kiss as some form of education and introduction to Canadian culture !

Enter at this point an array of magazine articles and newspaper predictions as those Canadians within my pool start making their selections sat around a table resembling some wild west poker stand off ! Guns at the doors please fellas !

Why this elaborate explanation of a simple diversionary past time you ask ?

Well guess which ‘jonny foriegner’ romped home by the end of the season with a clear lead of some sixty points !! Oh yes – Stig indeed ! And boy did it piss off those punters in my office when I started offering to write them some tips for next year and how they might learn a thing or two from my selection techniques (picking Dad’s army).

So with the fabulous Disney on ice spectacle that is known as the Stanley Cup nearing its climax for this year, our local tribe of hero’s the Vancouver Canucks tried to slay those pesky Ducks of Anahiem having seen off the Dallas Stars in round 1 of the playoffs.

Dallas of course being that well known Texas winter wonder land where generations of tough little ankle biters have clearly learned to play hockey on the frozen oilfields ignoring mom’s pleas to come in out of the cold before they catch a death ! mmmmm ??? Put your Stetson and stick down little fella !

Unfortunatley being some what unable to score more than one goal per week our oh so thrilling Canucks finally succumbed to that other well known winter wonder land hotbed of hockey, Orange County (the OC no less) in round 2. This depite deploying thedevious tactic of fielding two ginger Swedish twins within the starting line that not only cannot be distinguished from each other, but who scare the life out of any oppostion skater with their hideous looks ! Faces only a mom could love !

The pictures interspersed within this blog being our big night out as we watched the boys capitulate in overtime period 42 of game six against Anahiem !!

Arctic Kaiser Monkey Chiefs at the Commodore !

Much to my Viking girlfriend’s disgust, the British Band Invasion continued this month with both the Kaiser Chiefs and Arctic Monkeys rocking the Commodore Ballrooms and those ammassed expat northern Brits who seep from the wood work on such occaisions !

True to form and following the stereotype of an English ‘norvern monkey’ these boys all arrived on stage suitably loaded with drink and energy to an ear defening and chest pumping roar that felt like the speakers were ready to blow at any second !

Unfortunately the only this that did blow was Russ’s stomach as he had clearly got too excited and had three shandies before the Chiefs arrived on stage to perform their customary 45 minute set.

Taxi for Carnley !

Not wanting to shame himself next time out in advance of the Arctics, Russ ensured that all 10 or so of us lined up for this evenings action were routed via the one and only kebab shop in town prior to beer onslaught !

Oh how very English a neet oot !

The Infamous 'Un-Pimped' Sidekick !

So here finally is a half decent picture of the team Australia "wonder yoowt" that gets so many honorary mentions in various escapades !

Press ganged into action for one last final meander up the sea to sky highway, today marked A.D.D and mine's last ski day for the 2006/7 season.

Not quite achieving my original hope (and slightly unreaslistic) target of 50 days for one season, today closed the book at 28 days in total for me.

You have to happy with that ! One final apres hit too culminated with the classic fizzy yellow tea being served in tea pots by our local illegal after hours chinese restaurant !

The Vancouver Sun Run !

What an amazing achievement by Stig !!!!!

No – not the 47:20 I ran for 10k this fine April Sunday – but the week long dry spell I managed to put together in advance of 'Race day' !!

Sunday the 15th April 2007 being the 23rd annual Vancouver Sun Run, I had enforced upon myself for several days a strict regimen of water only. Not a single chicken wing or brown lemonade in site believe it or not.

Amongst it’s 54,317 participants this year was one former fat boy from Lancaster and Brighton, who one year ago today precisely was tucking into a fine late night Wong Kee's banquet in London's China town as part of his works leaving bash !


Strange you may therfore find, dear English readers, that this once proud pie eater pleb did indeed manage 4 minutes 42 seconds for 10 consecutive kilometers on the bounce !


Even stranger that he did not die of cardiac arrest somewhere near the finish line whilst windmilling punters out of the way in search of free cups of water and energy replenishing cornish pasties !

Starting under the green baloons, myself and A.D.D set off at a fairly suicidal rate attempting to ensure that we kept pace with our splits and target time of 48 minutes. This we would soon find out would be somewhat difficult as the course was liberally congested with a high concentration of punters who had no intention of breaking any sweat what so ever during their Sunday morning stroll.

'Get out of the way man......!' 'Coming through.......!'

Bombing in and out of gaps and trying desperately to keep up with A.D.D boy, who had clearly not taken his calming medicine that morning in race preparation, I finally lost sight of my pace maker some where around the 8k mark.

No doubt looking like I had just been trapped in a sauna for a week as I staggered across the finish line bright red, I was glad to find out that I had indeed beaten my target time and recorded a surprising 47:20.

Get in !!!!

Obviously needing immediate sustanance, Team Australia and I raided Costco of the largest steaks we could find and crawled back to the west end roof deck of Leigh's place and his barbeque.

Washing down said meat with several Corona's I was feeling all proud of myself.

Well until 'Father Time Adam' (see recent blog - the Vancouver Grand National) turned up that is.

Commenting that he didn't really like crowds, the senior citizen amongst us had only gone and run 32k that morning whilst we were all battling our measly 10K.

Look Adam........ nobody likes a smart arse !

The Vancouver Grand National !

Here is an example of what a bored Canadian Senior Estimator gets up to on a Friday afternoon at work in preparation for the weekend his mates are running a 10K through the city streets !

Sent via e-mail this banter must have taken him ages to write (and no doubt bill to some owner)

Alright wannabe fit freaks, tomorrow is the day before the big day! Lots of intriguing questions will be answered by noon on Sunday such as...
Will Gorgeous George unveil that he has been training for a full year and blow the rest of you lot away?....or will he say screw it after 2km, light a smoke and walk the rest? As well, will organizers waive his race fee when they discover the famous actor who portrayed 'Uncle Fester' is a participant in their contest?

Gorgeous George
Odds 100-1

Racing Post: This rank outsider has all potential to fall at the first, having spent all his energy coming first past the post (and on it too) in his previous race at the Number 5 Orange last week !

Handicap: The twenty pound gut

Will Leigh stop talking long enough to finish the race?.....or will a 50,000+ people collectively scream "Shut Your Head!" and scare him into silence?...and, will his ADD allow him to run in the 'special' division?

ADD Hudson
Odds 6-4 (Joint 2nd Favourite) Blinkers

Evening Standard: This Aussie filly has been training hard but has a tendency to get distracted by large fields so is expected to do better being blinkered for this race.
Handicap: Attention span of a four year old

Will Will willingly let these yahoo's beat him in the race or will he flex the beach muscles and pound the living daylights out of all of them crossing the line with a rugby ball under his arm?

Beach Muscles
Odds 6-4 (Joint 2nd Favourite)

The Racing Line: Not known for his stamina this top heavy sprint pony may run out of steroid fuel after 4 furlongs, although the Team Australia effect cannot be outruled.
Handicap: All shoulders and no legs

Will Russell show up?....and will race officials allow him to lug his belly along with him in a wheelbarrow?...and, will he be able to summon up a good enough excuse when he stumbles in at 1:17:32?

Microphonehead
Odds 16-1

Pigeon Fanciers Weekly: Last seen carrying purple rinses across Blackpool beach this Donkey has secreted himself away to train for this years race ! As such is an unknown quantity ! Could be a good outside bet !
Handicap: Running on a pirates leg

Will Rich wear pink shorts this year or go with this Spring's hot new colour...lavender!? As well, will shaving his legs and his 'light in the runners' give him an added advantage over the pack?

Iwillbeoutoftheofficeonlunchuntil2pm
Odds 2-1 Favourite

Vogue: Clearly in form having taken recent visits to get manicured and waxed this thoroughbred is expected to lay waste to the field of amateurs at the starting line. Worth a bet even at short odds if seen to be sweating in the paddock pre race !
Handicap: Nationality confusion

Will Jackie's delicately balanced Scottish training regimen of running, shopping and hardcore boozing, be enough to beat the boys providing Adam with loads of ammunition this summer?

RabCNesbita
Odds 10-1

The Scotsman: The only mare in the field RabCNesbita is known to distract the field before races by poking them will oddly shaped candles.
Handicap: Likes a battered mars bar or two from the crowd

And finally, having come a long way in his transformation from 'jolly' to only needing an A cup for his man boobs, will Simon be able to reach his goal of nudging Russell at the finish line?.....or will the drag from his upturned collar together with his upturned pinky finger while holding his water bottle be his demise?

Stiginvancouver
Odds 50-1

Country Life: Clearly needing to be put out to pasture and stud, this stallion’s blood lines are far too good for this race ! Should really have his butler run for him !
Handicap: Water stations not serving Gin and Tonic en route

I don't know about you but I can't wait to find out! Details of the big carb load to help you all across the finish line below....may the best man/woman win!

Where: Adam & Natasha's place (that's 'gaff' to you lot) East 19th Ave. Main & 19th.....call up on the enterphone and we'll 'buzz' you in.
When: Saturday, April 14th at 6pm
Dress: Lycra
Bring: Your appetites, a beer or two, excuses as to why you may not race well on Sunday.....and no, although it should be, being English is not a handicap.

Late Entrant – Father Time !
Odds – Opening Price

The Georgia Straight: This regular contributor to ‘strange love’ should ace the field if he can make the start line ! As the only ‘Grey’ in the race is always worth a bet !
Handicap: Age


Good luck to all runners and riders !

Good Friday at Cypress Bowl

What makes a Good Friday good ?

Spending it on snow in the sun wearing only a rugby shirt could be one answer !

Arriving bright and early at Cypress Bowl courtesy of A.D.D’s un-pimped ride and calling Jim who was to make his own way up the conversation went something like this:

Telephone Conversation 1

Garry: ‘We’re here Jim, where are ya’?
Jim: ‘Just pulling into the car park now’
Garry: ‘Good stuff – get your kit on and we’ll see ya by the ticket kiosk’
Jim: ‘Right you are’

15 minutes later………..

Telephone Conversation 2

Garry: ‘Where are you…… are you putting your make up on or what’
Jim: ’Hold your water…. I’m just getting on the gondola….see in a minute’
Garry: ‘Ok’

End of Telephone Conversation 2

Garry to Leigh: ‘Jim is nearly here…..he’s just getting on the Gondola’
Leigh to Garry: ‘There is no gondola at Cypress you !*$#!*!....... he must be at Grouse’
Simon to Garry: ‘Where did you tell him to go then’
Garry to all: ‘He called me while pissed last night in the pub and I said Cypress…. We never ski at Grouse’

Telephone Conversation 3

Garry: ‘Are you at Grouse you numpty’
Jim: ‘Yeah – that’s where you said to go last night while pissed on your voicemail’
Garry: ‘Mate….. you called me from the pub while YOU were pissed and I said Cypress… we never ski at Grouse.... I've never even skied at Grouse’
Jim: ‘By the shite…. ok I’m on my way over’

1 Hour later on the ski hill

All to Jim: ‘Hello big fella – have a nice morning at Grouse’?
Jim: ‘Piss off you lot….. he (pointing to Garry) said Grouse while drunk last night’
Garry: ‘No I didn’t …. You were the one drunk in the battle cruiser’
Leigh: ‘Easy fella’s….. have a cuddle and lets go skiing’

Monday Morning at Work

Jim to Simon: ‘Hello mate….. have a listen to this voicemail will ya left at 9pm Thursday night’

(back ground noise of screeching voices and Barry White on the Juke box)

‘Yeah Jim….. Garry here…. listen mate (hic – burp – hic) some of the boys are going skiing tomorrow if you fancy it (belch – hic)….. (voice muffled by suspected chicken wing in mouth) … the sun will be out so it will be sweet (hic-belch-burp)…. I hear you’re crapper than me so get yourself along…. I could do with looking good for a change (belch belch belch)….. any way if you are up for it see you at GROUSE at nine am’

Click…… end of voicemail

CONCLUSION: Verify at all times twice with Gorgeous George where the rendezvous point is and take independent witness.

CONCLUSION 2: Unless you want to look like a pool cue tipped with red chalk, if you’re bald always wear sun screen on a sunny ski day in Canada.