The Vancouver Grand National !

Here is an example of what a bored Canadian Senior Estimator gets up to on a Friday afternoon at work in preparation for the weekend his mates are running a 10K through the city streets !

Sent via e-mail this banter must have taken him ages to write (and no doubt bill to some owner)

Alright wannabe fit freaks, tomorrow is the day before the big day! Lots of intriguing questions will be answered by noon on Sunday such as...
Will Gorgeous George unveil that he has been training for a full year and blow the rest of you lot away?....or will he say screw it after 2km, light a smoke and walk the rest? As well, will organizers waive his race fee when they discover the famous actor who portrayed 'Uncle Fester' is a participant in their contest?

Gorgeous George
Odds 100-1

Racing Post: This rank outsider has all potential to fall at the first, having spent all his energy coming first past the post (and on it too) in his previous race at the Number 5 Orange last week !

Handicap: The twenty pound gut

Will Leigh stop talking long enough to finish the race?.....or will a 50,000+ people collectively scream "Shut Your Head!" and scare him into silence?...and, will his ADD allow him to run in the 'special' division?

ADD Hudson
Odds 6-4 (Joint 2nd Favourite) Blinkers

Evening Standard: This Aussie filly has been training hard but has a tendency to get distracted by large fields so is expected to do better being blinkered for this race.
Handicap: Attention span of a four year old

Will Will willingly let these yahoo's beat him in the race or will he flex the beach muscles and pound the living daylights out of all of them crossing the line with a rugby ball under his arm?

Beach Muscles
Odds 6-4 (Joint 2nd Favourite)

The Racing Line: Not known for his stamina this top heavy sprint pony may run out of steroid fuel after 4 furlongs, although the Team Australia effect cannot be outruled.
Handicap: All shoulders and no legs

Will Russell show up?....and will race officials allow him to lug his belly along with him in a wheelbarrow?...and, will he be able to summon up a good enough excuse when he stumbles in at 1:17:32?

Microphonehead
Odds 16-1

Pigeon Fanciers Weekly: Last seen carrying purple rinses across Blackpool beach this Donkey has secreted himself away to train for this years race ! As such is an unknown quantity ! Could be a good outside bet !
Handicap: Running on a pirates leg

Will Rich wear pink shorts this year or go with this Spring's hot new colour...lavender!? As well, will shaving his legs and his 'light in the runners' give him an added advantage over the pack?

Iwillbeoutoftheofficeonlunchuntil2pm
Odds 2-1 Favourite

Vogue: Clearly in form having taken recent visits to get manicured and waxed this thoroughbred is expected to lay waste to the field of amateurs at the starting line. Worth a bet even at short odds if seen to be sweating in the paddock pre race !
Handicap: Nationality confusion

Will Jackie's delicately balanced Scottish training regimen of running, shopping and hardcore boozing, be enough to beat the boys providing Adam with loads of ammunition this summer?

RabCNesbita
Odds 10-1

The Scotsman: The only mare in the field RabCNesbita is known to distract the field before races by poking them will oddly shaped candles.
Handicap: Likes a battered mars bar or two from the crowd

And finally, having come a long way in his transformation from 'jolly' to only needing an A cup for his man boobs, will Simon be able to reach his goal of nudging Russell at the finish line?.....or will the drag from his upturned collar together with his upturned pinky finger while holding his water bottle be his demise?

Stiginvancouver
Odds 50-1

Country Life: Clearly needing to be put out to pasture and stud, this stallion’s blood lines are far too good for this race ! Should really have his butler run for him !
Handicap: Water stations not serving Gin and Tonic en route

I don't know about you but I can't wait to find out! Details of the big carb load to help you all across the finish line below....may the best man/woman win!

Where: Adam & Natasha's place (that's 'gaff' to you lot) East 19th Ave. Main & 19th.....call up on the enterphone and we'll 'buzz' you in.
When: Saturday, April 14th at 6pm
Dress: Lycra
Bring: Your appetites, a beer or two, excuses as to why you may not race well on Sunday.....and no, although it should be, being English is not a handicap.

Late Entrant – Father Time !
Odds – Opening Price

The Georgia Straight: This regular contributor to ‘strange love’ should ace the field if he can make the start line ! As the only ‘Grey’ in the race is always worth a bet !
Handicap: Age


Good luck to all runners and riders !