Scooper Dooper !

My second week at work felt as though it shot by as fast the time between doogie's feeds !

And all too soon before you know it I had my first visitor from the grand old heady days of Surrenden Road and Hangleton Way !!

Mr Scooper Dooper - armed not with my last bag left in England, so I assume Fonters you still have the last of my gear or is it being sold by the Godalming WI as we speak ?

Hooking up at the Yaletown Brewhouse on Saturday unfortunatley Rog was well within the 'Bottle to throttle' zone and so the refreshments consisted only of OJ !! BOOOOOO !!!

After supping a first OJ in the bar we elected to sample the main restaurant area and view the menu for potential lard hits ! Blabbing merrily away before you know it our long legged blond server approached and asked very politely if we were ready to order ? Now not havind had chance to look I responded with a request for a moment longer to which our hostess of course enquired if we would care to have an appetizer while we waited ?

All of a tenth of a second later a Mancunian voice very close to my right blurted with an urgency and excitement hard to desribe,

'Oooh spinach and artichoke dip please me luv' !

Knowing not to get between a Lancastrian and his food (and being a fan of the said dip myself) we continued our random chat knowing that to start a new story would mean less eating time and that your opponent would get more dip, so the chat curtailed for a few moments !

The arrival of mains in the form of cheese steak butties calmed proceedings and at this point a beer would have been sunk very nicely thank you very much, but not this time sadly !

It was grand to see you Rog and get yourself back again on a trip with one of the other boys so we can tuck into some Pale Ale's too ! Thanks for making the effort to come down to Yaletown and see my new neck of the woods !

Victoria Day Weekend - Harrison and the Rodeo !

Finishing my first week at work I was delighted to be informed that the weekend was indeed in fact a long one with Monday the 22nd of May being Victoria Day here in Canada !

At least the Canadians celebrate the Queens birthday ! (even if it is one who kicked the bucket a hundred years ago)

Starting with a bit of a boogie on Friday night in 'the Cellar' with Bobs and Marion our running companion from the 10k, Saturday saw Heidi pick Bobs and I up for the hour drive out east on Highway 1. (I think they only have one highway out here so it is kinda aptly named) .

An evenings excess consisting of vast quantities of BBQ food and a fire pit by the pool in honour of Bobs' dads' birthday was walked off the following morning around the shores of Harrison lake and hot springs resort. Now unlike the puddles of our own home grown so called 'lake district', where a typical walk would involve circling the entire lake, it's probably not best advised to try this with Harrison unless you have a spare month or so ?

You see Harrison with its natural hot springs is around 45miles long and the odd two wide !!! (You can see a small section of it if you go back to the photo on the 'Stig has landed' blog)

Unfortunately the holiday Monday saw a return of the more regular BC weather of deluging rain ! Not to be beaten though Bobs took me to the yearly traditional Cloverdale Rodeo !!! Yeeeeeha

Hiding under cover of the baseball stadium stand that has been pressed into action as a temporary rodeo ring we watched a combination of bucking bronco riding, cow tackling and roping, and even a selection of four year olds trying to out do each other and ride a sheep for as long as possible ?

With some random old Texan bloke giving a running commentary in true southern drawl with more than a few "y'all be good and cheer this fiiiiine rider folks" with the odd "awesome" thrown in I was truly impressed with the enthusiasm shown by all considering the dire weather !

The Friday and Saturday are traditionally the big days with a massive barn being pressed into action as the biggest 'ho-down' venue you will ever see ! Arriving on a wet Monday avo as opposed to a lively night probably didn't help me feel any more at ease when the security staff asked me at the entrance if I had any guns or knives I cared to check in to the cloak room ! Ok a bit of an elaboration on the gun part but I did see a couple of boys relieved of some very big knives !!

Perhaps I won't crack too many Brokeback Mountain gags then ??

A fine weekend ended with a dinner of ribs with Shannon, Ryan and Owen who has gotten bigger by the minute it seems !

A new career begins !

With the legs still feeling like jelly after the previous days 10K marathon I dove straight into the new job Monday the 15th May 2006 and to be honest it turned my head into the same jelly pretty much straight away !!

Being welcomed at the office reception desk by the lovely Tessa (PA to the managing partner) I was presented with a basket of Canadian goodies and personalised company mug with my name printed upon it straight off the bat !

Moving to my desk for an induction on office systems my computer had been previously set up with auto signatures, calenders and fully functional e-mail facilities including an in box of a dozen mails already waiting for me !!!

Organised and professional to a standard unknown before the week has spun past at a rate of knots !!

I must have sat in four lunch and learn sessions where the company arrange for outside experts to provide seminars in issues deemed to be important to the staff identified and where a full buffet is provided to keep you happy !!

I have been on at least five other induction sessions on company systems with various department heads and been taken out to lunch by one of the partners at the float plane terminal in English bay harbour !!

Now this is how a company should work and introduce its new people !!!

Any way with out boring you, two key observations noted in week one:-

1) What on earth are inches, feet, pounds, yards etc etc !!! Man I thought you people went out with the ark !!! And, I thought Canada had gone metric years before us ???
2) The role of the Quantity Surveyor does not officially exist out here............so .............. having performed all commercial and contractual duties this week relevant to the enquires and projects placed under my control I have come to an EXACT and CONFIRMED conclusion that I had always suspected !!

The english construction QS does ***** *** that couldn't be done by any one else !!

Oh yeah and did I tell you one of the first projects I have been tasked with dealing with is none other than the x-ray department I sat in having broken my shoulder lokked at in sunny Whistler three years ago !

Not too many site visits needed there then ?

Stigs' fitness regime begins !

With a high sun cooking the Pacific North West and given the suicidally fast start to the stig fitness programme first initiated on bike trips through Virginia and followed with spring skiing in Whistler what could come next I hear you ask?

Well, hold on to your ribs............ stig got nobbled into running 10K through the forests of UBC (University of British Columbia) out on the pacific west side of Vancouver in support of a local old folks home on his first weekend. Yeah OK......... you can stop laughing now !!!

Now in fairness even I would have expected the various old boys and gals, lined up at the start line to support us, to have made a more credible effort before hand but with boobaloo supporting me all the way an incredibly scorching 68 mins was clocked at the finish line !!

Bobs little sister, a SA friend of theirs and I made up the team and no walking was witnessed from start to finish which I considered more of an achievement than any time registered. Of course feeling some what proud of ourselves any good work done was immediateley undone by spending the afternoon sun at a boozer called the 'five point' on main street near bobs house. Needless to say the odd chicken wing and pale ale was witnessed in the vicinity ??

Oh well............. you can't start too quickly now !

Road trip 1 - May snow in Whistler !

Unbelievably Wednesday the 10th of MAY 2006 became a ski day for the lord and I !!!! May ?? !!! With the sun beaming in down town Vancouver on my first full day in country it was hard to believe it but rumour had it the mountains were still open for business and thick with snow !

Waking up stupidly early any good time we may have had on our side evapourated when we walked to America to pick up a hire car ! (Doogie was adamant it was only a couple of blocks away....... yeah right-O chief) One two hour car ride through a still doormant city limits later we hit the old favourite 'South side diner' in creekside for a hit of lard in the form of a Canadian breaky that giant haystacks would be proud to devour ! Obviously it was small change to starvin' marvin' fonters who munched away like it was an appetiser !


Suitably fueled up with grease and armed with very cheap lift tickets (in fonters' case) the gondola ride up revealed a winter wonderland bathed in sunshine with still masses of snow all the way up from midstation !

Being able to wear only tee shirts below your jacket and skiing in such warmth was as an absolute peach ! The mountains were empty and the conditions pre lunch were great if not a little slow ! Of course that was remedied by a cool pitcher of good old Kokanee over a lunch of burgers and cookies. There after the slow conditions and addition of beer legs led to an afternoon learning to ski backwards (no doubt in preparation for the extreme trick skiing I will have mastered by the time all you european punters turn up for holiday next year) .

Remembering that Rog 'the gentleman skier' Cooper would not approve and having bumped into 'Tones homes' Ascough we sought not to over do it day one and elected to grab an early seat in the sunshine pation of the 'Longhorn Saloon'.

Now unfortunatley the perfect day ended with a bit of a nightmare for myself, that all I will see for the next week will no doubt chuckle at ???

Disregarding the lords advise, who has learnt over the years to look after the pink dome, I elected not to place any sunscreen on my mush !!!

You would think I would have learnt my lesson with the lobster face incident in DC........ but oh no............. lets do the burn again !! So you can see it kinda laid me out and the evening beer in the Whistler Brewhouse really didn't go down too well. The only consolation was that fonters potted the black three times at pool so I won when in truth I could hardly hit a cows arse with a banjo !!

Feeling a little like a bear who had just woken up from hibernation myself it would seem quite appropriate and ironic therefore to bump into exactly that whilst finishing the first run of day two !!

This big fella by the white chair in the back ground hardly batted an eye lid at us whilst he found and slurped a bottle of coke from the rubbish bin ! Electing to move on before he had a sugar rush and saw me or fonters as a tasty snack we headed back up to the peak chair to continue our backward skiing clinic !

Enjoying my day immensely and feeling like I was a million miles away from the lunacy of the London commuting hell I would normally have been enduring at that precise moment Fonters of course felt he had to chip in.....

'Oh I do enjoy my work you know' of course reminding me somewhat unsubtlely that this action was ongoing of course while he was still officially 'at work' !! Right OK.......


So ending the day with a slush run to midstation we bombed back down to Vancouver so Fonters could operate home to blighty and leave me to start the new adventure properly !

By the way did I ask ?

Is it raining at home ?

Was the train on time this morning Mike ?

mmmm ? what to do next weekend given it's Victoria day and a bank holiday ???

The Stig has landed !!

Good Man Fonters !!!!

What a boy ! Not only did my man not winge too much about humping my entire ski kit to a foreign land but took upon the role of executive James to the Stig to extreme proportions !

After being delivered to T4 for a final beer with Gazza I wandered through passport control armed with my usual 54b boarding card wondering what on earth I was doing, being on my jack jones for the first time in weeks !

Heading towards Wetherspoons for one last hit (where many a Vancouver trip had kicked off before) my head began to spin a bit with the reality of all that I was about to do and the whack to the head that this was likely to be the last time I see England in ............... who knows how long !!

After saying my farewells to family on the phone and chatting with a couple of you all too soon it I heard the call for BA085 to Vancouver and it with that I steeled myself for the creep down to my favourite back seat spot next to the bogs ! Half way down the gantry though my world changed for the better with the slight feather touch of an angel on my arm in the uniform of a BA dispatcher.

'Excuse me Sir......... are you the gentleman emigrating with us today ?'

'Ah yes' was all I could mutter.

Calmly taking my boarding card off me and scribbling out 54b all I heard was....

'Then all the very best good luck Sir and enjoy your flight'

Before getting chance to glance back at where my new home for the next nine hours might be another soft hand placed a flute of champers in mine and guided me to the oasis of 5A !!! Oh you dancer !!!!! Now never one to miss out I was as polite as I could be tucking into all that First Class had to offer. In turn specifically:

1) Post take off G+T 2) Selection of Canapees 3) Water cress soup 4) Glass of Burgundy 5) Lobster and crayfish salad 6) more Burgundy 7) Rack of Lamb 8) just a wee bit more Burgundy then 9) Fig tart and ice cream 10) you need to open another bottle of Burgundy ??... oh go on then 11) Gorgonzola 12) its not bad this Burgundy you know luv .... 13) Esspresso 14) G+T 15) G+T 16) G+T ..............(a little KT Tunstall on the ipod) 17) G+T...... what do you mean twenty minutes to landing !!!!!!!!!

Ooooooh ya bugger !! I've gotta pass customs inspection in this state ?? Why didn't you tell me ???

You will all be sad to find out no doubt that the interorgation passed without incident and I was allowed in with open arms !!! Whahey !!!

On a more serious note..... huge thanks to Doogie for a champion effort and being a true friend putting himself out to such extreme lengths to make the transfer not just bearable but a ******* hoot !! Mate your beers will always be on me in Vancouver ! (provided I get to choose the venue) . Thanx buddy !

Deportation Bash 3 - Guildford / Goddy

Feeling not so fresh after zero sleep down the back of one of Mr Bransons Atlantic airborne torpedo's I landed back at an extremely wet Heathrow on a Monday morning. Now if I had ever had any second thoughts about what I was about to embark upon they were dispelled within the hour by suffering the usual ineptitude of the british transport system whilst travelling a whole.........ooooh twenty miles from LHR to Guildford ???

Two hours later my man Lord Fonters turned up in clitorious (franchi's car to those who don't know) to rescue me from punching the lights out of some south west trains numpty !

A welcome few hours crash which could have turned into a days comotose was welcomly interupted by a last english pub lunch of bangers and mash, london pride and in fonters case his favourite spotted dick and custard. John, Tasha and Roger had met up in Sainsbury's car park to wait for Doogie and I (now call me suspicious but it kinda looked like they had done this before and any mention of a recreational pastime somebody tells me is called do****g was poorly rebuked) before we headed out a random country pub.



Failing miserably to persuade Adam away from an afternoons rewarding painting it fell down to the Coopers and my newly appointed chauffuer Doogie to accompany me on a final traditional pub crawl of flat beer and underage midweek chav drinkers through a few watering holes of Guildford !!!

Several pints and god knows how many bags of crisps later the need for further nasty food took hold !!!!

Now what does every traditional english pub crawl need to end with ????? Answers on a post card ??? Call a friend ??? OK 50/50 ???

Well in Goddy the top answer of cuzza is not an answer (the WI banned them years ago)

Sooooooooooooo................ Yep you got it !!!!

One mixed meat kebab with extra chilli sauce please my good man !!!!!

Hold the chips...... oh yes and did I say extra chilli sauce please mate !!!

Many thanks to Rog and Tash for making the last night in blighty such a hoot ! And I look forward to seeing you on the 26th in Vancouver Mr Cooper. I will scope out a suitable wings night for us that serves a pitcher or two too !!

D-Day tomorrow then !! The big off !!! aaaaaahh what am I doing ! There had better be kebabs in Canada.........

Stay of Execution days 4 to 7 - Georgetown and Great Falls

Taking the opportunity for a lay in, day four started nice and slow with an afternoon wander through Georgetown and it's small colonial streets near the university. No fear of bikes at this stage !!!! The trip was made on the air con luxury of DC's metro (underground to you London lemmings). As you can see the most attractive scene I found for which I thought an obligatory photo should be made was within the local brewery pub 'J Pauls Alehouse'.

Heading toward the Friday five o'clock whistle and my second cheeky ale Amanda's mobile summoned me back to Crystal city and a margerita at her work local !!! Oh it's a hard life.

Having Owen lead an advance party straight from his work to Chadwicks in Alexandria Mig and I caught up by racing down on the bikes in Chips formation with the image a cool beer driving us on !!! Not to mention the odd chicken wing !

Oh no ! not bikes again !!

Intending to lock up the bikes and either walk or taxi it home the best laid plans of mice and men were discarded by my drunken 'jackass' idea to bomb home stealth mode in double time, again in Chips formation on the now lightless bikes under cover of darkness once last time was called on us........ (it seemed a good idea at the time)

A couple of minor mishaps and close encounters of the bushes kind later the giggle crew landed home and crashed into welcome beds !!

Thank fully waking up with only a minor hang over (no doubt based upon the fact I was steaming around in the dark on a mountain bike some hours before) my last full day was spent walking around the Great Falls National Park where the Potomac river forms the border between Virginia and Maryland.

Blessed with another stunning day our decision to walk on the easy Virginia side of the Mather Gorge and under cover of light forest seemed to be the informed one at first thought !

Some ten minutes later however and after having had the most mahoosive black snake tumble between Amanda and I on a trail, I would have happily traded the woods and scary undergrowth for the billy goat rock trail of the Maryland side.


I have to say despite a quick and perfectly justified 'yikes......eeeeee....oooooooooooh' Amanda coped a damn site better than I probably would have had I been in her position ! The damn thing nearly ran across her boots en route down the hill !

At least the adrenalin rush more than ensured she kept pace for the rest of the walk !

After a fine bbq on a newly aquired weber prepared by Owen, the executive decision to take a reasonably early night in preparation for my flight home the next day was made some what irrelevant when my final afternoon was spent in an old 'Dixie' patio in Georgetown slurping Sam Adams over a rib, pulled pork and jalapeno hottie combo !

I felt sorry for the poor sod sitting next to me on the Virgin Atlantic express home to LHR ! I'm sure I can't have smelt too special !!

So with an emotional 'see you soon' to Mig at Dulles International I headed east for a quick pit stop in England and to pick up my bags ready for deployment to Canada !!!!

Huge thanks to Mig and Owen for looking after me so well and for being such excellent hosts !

You have a wonderful home and deserve all the fun you are having ! I hope I can return the favour in BC as soon as possible !

Stay of Execution day 4 - Mount Vernon

Waking up Thursday to yet another beautiful sunny Virginia day and feeling like some energy had returned to my legs I opted to head down to Mount Vernon (George Washington's plantation) and take in some sights of the Potomac river metting the Chesapeake bay.

Oh how wrong could a bloke be.......... !

Some twelve miles later (which all felt like they were up hill) I arrived wheezing and staggering with legs like jellied eels !!


So what does a bloke do in a situation like this ???? Call his sister and say 'look I saw a really nice pub about a mile out with really nice views........ do you fancy a pint after work ?'................ 'and more to the point to you want to bring the SUV and bike rack !'

The plantation grounds were magnificent. I found it all a bit odd though that the US heap massive significance quite rightly on Washington's historical significance of being the revolutionary leader and first president, but largely forget the fact his fortune as a plantation owner was made with not a little help from a huge number of slaves ??? mmmmm??

Heading home after said beer in the 'Cedar Knoll' we stopped by the plushest supermarket I have ever seen to pick up some of my favourite delicacy........ Oh yes, some very tasty (but also very smelly) Alaskan Snow crab legs. Now washed down with a fresh margerita these not so little fella's are pretty special !

Amanda gave a big 'eeeeeeeooow' and settled for a bbq steak which also looked pretty special.





Amanda's town house balcony form a more than reasonable setting to while away a couple of hours scoffing, chatting and drinking so thats pretty much where we stayed. As you can see the farmers tan is coming along nicely and if I drop in the odd ' How y'all doin today' I could pass for a creditable red neck round here.............

Stay of Execution day 3 - Alexandria and the ball game !

Still feeling the exertions of day one's bike endurance, Wednesday was taken at a slightly more sedate pace.

Wandering through the quiet and leafy streets of old Alexandria and after having had the most mahooosive cheese steak sandwiche you could imagine in the Union Street Bar I decided to get my hair chopped.

Now, I don't appear to have the best of luck when it comes to getting hair cuts in the US. Thinking I had dodged one potential skinning by answering firmly 'NO I don't want it military style' my man proceeded to cut the back and sides all nice but did nothing to the top of ma heed !! Hence I now sport an Elvis style quiff up front and on top !!! Oh Joy !

Returning back home with my new style !!! A, O and I loaded into the SUV and set off for RFK stadium to watch the Washington Nationals take their regular beating off who ever happens to be in town. On this particular evening it was the Florida Marlins doing the humping.

Most of the fun came in trying to educate Owen on the basics of the game. Two hours and several beers later we had succeeded in getting him to understand what a full count meant. Only for him to then repeat it every time one appeared. Now I know why I don't want children !!


One key observation made whilst there listening to the various organ bleets pumping out of the speakers every thirty seconds trying to wake the home fans from their coma (the Nationals are truly crap by all accounts) was that the fans would appear only to go for the beer and lard snacks on offer.

By the seventh inning stretch most had bogged off and were on their way to the car park !!! As it goes for a change this game was actually quite close and tied up until the last inning !

I must admit however that after sampling one of the hot dogs oozing with all manner of onion and pickle, that the american approach to sporting events isn't all that bad a concept after all !!

Stay of Execution Days 1+2 - Capitol Hill and Annapolis

Working on the assumption that now was as good a time as any to begin the pie and pint detox, day one Monday 1st May 2006, saw me set off for a whistle stop tour of DC's highlights mounted on Owen's mountain bike.

Now having done zero exercise for many months many amongst you would query what on earth I was thinking attempting to cycle around 20 miles in a day and would further double check my insurance was sufficient to cover the inevitable paramedic call out required to scoop me off the street !

Well.......... in hindsight I would tend to agree.

Not realising that the sun is indeed quite strong out here I fell into the classic Brit on tour trap of wearing no sunblock so I now resemble 'Larry the Lobster'

Mistake One.

Then realising the saddle on O's bike is more in the shape of a bread knife and wearing just my normal shorts, I now have a seriously sore arse.

Mistake Two.

Being nearly decapitated by the presidential helicopter landing on a field on front of the White House and further being ushered around by Secret Service MIB, I nearly elected to go for mistake three and ask said MIB punter if he could get the cricket scores on that damn stupid ear piece they insist on wearing !!!!

Secret Service my ****....... you can spot 'em miles away !!! Not too secret as far as I can see.

I have never seen a town with so many uniformed gun slingers before. It really is Hollywood every day out there ! (well from my one day's experience any way)

Day 2 was somewhat more relaxing with Amanda and I heading out to Annapolis, home of the US Naval academy, the US's original capitol and not too shabby a harbour landing too.

Touring the Naval academy grounds (pictured here) the three old boy veterans walking with us did a much better job than the official guide we had and we got to hear some good old swabby navy tales.

Lunch was taken on the shores of the Chesapeake Bay on the deck of a bar called 'Pussers Landing' and consisted of a burger made with local crab meat. Very nice indeed ! I even manged to avoid the rum and elected for a Sierra Nevada instead.

Ah.......... I could get used to this !!!!

Amanda and Owen regularly sail from here and I can see the attraction............ particularly if there are rest stops like this at every port of call !!!

The weather is still amazing and my lobster face is stinging nicely and transforming into a classic farmer tan !!!

Deportation Bash 2 - Brighton

Having been 'demobbed' from HMC Tolent into a civvy lay about consultant role my immediate focus was of course to prepare for a second outing and leaving bash. This time the willing participants being the landed gentry of sunny Sussex by the Sea.

Having thrown the last of Jimbo's junk out of my flat to a passing rag and bone man, the final countdown slosh mission began with a neet doon the Moose accompanied by two irate scottish punters who immediately fell straight into stereoptype and started squaring up over what was the correct etiquette for tartan skirts. Still not sure what the ruling is but if I had to run a book on any ensuing brawl my money would be on the heavy weight second from the right. Mainly only because the featherweight in the blue corner on the far left has a tendency to swing at fresh air (if his squash skills are any thing to go by)

Waking up with a raging hangover and with zero food intake, the final days play of the final countdown commenced with 18 holes on Beachy Head. Judging by the state of my play some may have suggested I jump off there and then but a swift can of Carlsberg on the ninth tee saw a fine second wind kick in with a champion back nine !

Pushing through the assembled team moved on to the 'Stag' where of course standard form and practice ensued with the landlord press ganging his guests into drinking 1000 proof cocktails that would kick start a forty year old JCB parked on the top of Everest !

Staggering on and with more battle damage replenishments arriving thick and fast Brighton's own Brazillian joint played host to a last supper of what can only be described as 'great mexican food'.

Armed with vino in hand and a Sandra Dee behind team Brighton generally descended into chaos with people going MIA via the Gap, Stag and Moose. Of course the hardcore element held true to take a moose hit on the chin !
Rumour has it Rog is still there making sweet love to a donkey pinata called Chiquita with ABBA's greatest hits on repeat ???

Taking the opportunity to ensure a succesful arrival at Heathrow in good time for my flight to Washington DC I elected to pull the pin at this stage and offer massive thanks to Mike for a lightning quick transfer in his beemer to T3.

Heading into hour twenty something by this stage body failure and massive sense of humour failure was averted when I was informed upon meeting with Mig and Owen at the ticket desk that a Virgin executive lounge hit was about to take place ! Get in !

Two glasses of champers, a hearty breakfast of smoked salmon and scrmbled eggs, an eight hour flight and twenty minute walk later Stig arrives with A+O into the Alexandria local 'Chadwicks Bar and Grille'. A few Sierra Nevada Pale Ale's and rack of ribs in hour thirty something saw the end arrive !

To all those that I have spent the last eight years with in Brighty I would say to you that you are the finest group of people any one could ever hope to know and that I am honored to know you and call you my friends.

Now Roger...... put Chiquita down !!!

Deportation Bash 1 - Covent Garden

After five years of penal servitude in the ranks of Her majesty's Contractor Tolent (herein known as HMC Tolent) who would have thought my illustrious career would have ended with deportation to the former British dominion of Canada !! More so who would have thought that after such heroic deeds as outlined below, the campaigns endured and the hardships suffered, there would be enough of my fellow foot soldiers left battling on to join me in my final salute to the soveriegn and stagger around Covent Garden !!!

Where to down gallons of flat and distateful beer before being robbed by a Chinese take away of £25 for a banquet that consisted of one dish of soggy (crispy) shredded beef in an unknown sauce that would later make a re-appearance in the toilets of a random Leicester Sq dance hall frequented by a hundred 50 cent look-a-likes (including our northern homey Jim 'the gout' Peddie)

Serving initially as general 'Floor Manger' lay about on the Peterborough Court campaign of 2001 I was demoted and transferred from HMC Tolent to the rank of 'Package manager' lay about and packed off to the 1st Regiment of Foot, Kings Own Royal Tynesiders ! Where my linguistic skills were tested to their extreme deciphering such verbal explosions such as Hooooooo Man !!! Aaaam ganin fo a draaaaaaan !! Howay ya kna..........is a broooooon troooot ! on the bloody Sage campaign of '03.

Serving with a fine band of men and women I eventually began to understand the language and grand banter whilst generally excelling at my speciality of........ laying about ! All be it whilst also very cold at the time !

Having queried one day with my immediate superior Nigel 'Ned' Kelly why all I met within the ranks had a patholigical need to follow a group punters in black and white striped shirts (who in turn were chasing a round puddin' about and also in fairness the shadows of the other punters in the field doing the same) I found my self demoted again with my DSC (dodgy southern chap) medal recinded.

Now serving as general skivvy and 'Design Manager' lay about at Southern Command Station Roundhouse, the house of luuurve saw a number of budding romances flower within the ranks mixing antipodean and English blood lines (is that not illegal)

Whilst engendering a sence of love within the rear echelon commercial platoon, the Roundhouse campaign saw the production platoon front line cannon fodder suffer a high rate of attrition with extreme casualty rates. One of only three surviving members of 'Pembroke team' Stig has left John, Stan and 'the gout' to raise the flag of victory and sup a pint in his honour !

So to my fellow rank and file that continue to serve the good ships Tolent I salute you and thank you for five years of fun ! You can see what you have done to me !! I used to be 12 stone you know........ and a tee totaller ! I had no idea what a pie was ! or a bottle of dog ! I had dress sense....... could pull the birds....... drove a nice car.........

In fact sod ya's !!! What have I done...........

An end to commuting hell..........

Here commences the tale of Stig's deportation and escape from London's commuting hell and the lemming uk scene to pastures new and a life of chicken wings consumed in batches of three figures, beer slurped in pitchers and a life time spent in fresh air !

Not asleep on the 18:07 express from Victoria to Brighton !!

Here we go........Stand Big ! Stand Tall !